Vampires Suck.

Okay honestly I had no plans to watch this movie all the way through. I watched the first ten minutes and thought it was garbage. But Facebook managed to make me lose my review of Submarine (go see it!) and this movie seemed as good as any to be both topical and round off my Twilight series of reviews. So err, enjoy? As I go suffer through this piece of crap.

One of the most amusing things about this movie for me is that it is almost a shot for shot remake the first two Twilight movies with hints of the other two films thrown in for good measure. It seems after they were done filming their cheap rip off they decided to poorly pencil in gags into each scene so they could avoid getting sued selling it as a 'spoof'. A classic 'parody' then. An excuse to shittily remake a movie in the hope of making money off something of the moment. Apparently it worked because this made more than fucking Scott Pilgrim in its opening week, what the fuck?!

Ironically though, this film seems to have a bigger budget than Twilight did and with a much more attractive lead cast. I guess that is something at least. Without all the shit jokes, this probably could have been Twilight done better than Twilight itself was done. It has much better special effects and much more action than the first Twilight.

Although not particularly funny, as a critique at the more ridiculous elements of Twilight, it is actually...okay. The film doesn't get better as it goes, but once you get used to its stupidity it's harder to hate and you end up just feeling rather ambivalent to the whole thing.

I actually quite enjoyed (surprisingly) how it pokes fun at the awful characterisation of Bella and how every guy seems to want to bed her despite her having no real qualities whatsoever. I was happy to accept this in Twilight but by Eclipse Meyer seemed to want to have more than just a fantasy, so Bella really needed some work. Funny too Jenn Proske manages to both capture the Bellaism's and somehow be a better actress than Stewart, well when the inevitable reboot of the franchise happens just have her name ready. I also found it rather amusing that both Lanter and Proske both kept pulling these weird expressions like they are fully aware at just how shit the movie is and that they can't believe they are in it.

Matt Lanter doesn't do quite as good a job as Edward, but at the same time he seems nowhere near as creepy as Pattinson and a much better actor to boot, so I guess there is a plus here. And DAYUM the Victoria rip off in this movie is HAWT. Just a shame the rest of the cast are nowhere near as attractive as their Twilight Saga counterparts.

Okay to be fair, the obscure pop culture references randomly crammed into the thing did make me laugh more out of surprise than anything else. It isn't like they try to make them fit, it just seems they tried to cram as many in as to make this film as dated as possibly by the time it left the gate, well done guys.

So do I recommend this? Much like the Twilight Saga this film ultimately isn't the pure garbage that you've probably been told it is. In many ways filmically it's a lot better than the first Twilight movie. Ultimately though this is an awful rip off of the Twilight Saga with very little new to say and very few funny moments. So it really isn't worth your time.

Think About It!

-Locke