Cosmopolis.

Hey, just because I don't have much time to review any more, doesn't mean I can't still review new releases. Enjoy!


Cosmopolis is basically sold on the man who is sadly of the moment lately for less than great reasons...I don't think Robert Pattinson is quite the sensation he was three or four or so years ago, but the Twilight franchise isn't over yet, so they can still sell films on his name alone. Luckily anyone who knows anything about film would know this is also directed by David Cronenberg as if to give people a reason to come who hate Pattinson because hating Twilight is cool apparently. It is ALSO an adaptation of a novel, for all of those who say that 'reading is for virgins' despite spending all day reading their Facebook Newsfeed, oh snap, how'd you like that irony, bitch? Ahem... And the film has been met with a rather meh reaction, despite being made to fight for the highest prize at Cannes. Really though, despite a lot of people seemingly not getting it, for the most part most of the negative reviews still admit that Cronenberg directs the film well and Pattinson gives a brilliant central performance. I mean are people finally starting to get over the hate on everything Twilight phase to recognise an actor on his ability and not his resumé? Don't be ridiculous! And what did I think? Well, let's dig in!

Cosmopolis is the embodiment of pretentiousness, the word gets thrown around a lot these days, but it literally means, at its most basic level at least; 'Something that pretends to have something important to say...when it really doesn't'. I know this film will have snobs and the like chatting away about what it all means, and they'll take their ridiculous ungrounded theories to IMDb...but do you want to know what Cosmopolis is about? It's about nothing. There is this constant sense of urgency and danger, but nothing ever bloody happens. I mean there is a haircut in there somewhere, the president is in town? And sexual frustration? And an affair? And some back drop of financial crisis or something? It is an incoherent pretentious jab at capitalism.

Is the film meant to look...this bad? The main set is inside a limo, and the footage of the world passing outside and the limo itself is hilariously cheap looking. Even the camerawork is insanely shoddy, the film has been described as 'claustrophobic' and that really fits, the camera is always uncomfortably close to its subjects creating real claustrophobia even when they get out of the back of cars to stretch their legs. There are props and effects which feel half finished which makes noticeable on screen goofs. Is this supposed to be making some kind of point? Urgh, what the fuck is going on?

Reading the source material to add an extra layer to the enjoyment of a film is fine, but when the book needs to be read for the film to be understood, we have a problem. I had no idea what was going on throughout, with the weird go nowhere dialogue. And when everyone is saying lines that make no sense and then replying with lines that have seemingly no connection to what was said before it just makes everyone seem to be acting really, really badly. The actors don't seem to quite know what they are saying either, the timing always feels off and no one seems to show any kind of emotion or when they do they weave in and out of so many with no connection to what they are saying it feels like they are just guessing. You remember what it was like in English class when you had to watch an adaptation of Shakespeare and you are being told there is more swearing in this than an R movie but you have to google every line they say to even understand it? Well that is basically this, only this can't be saved by google because this is literally just sheer incoherence. I don't know if it was directed this way for the sake of adaptation or whatever but first and foremost, this is a movie! I know how much it sucks when someone adapts something you like, then basically changes everything and just sells itself on the name...but I also know some changes have to be made for something to work in a different medium...and this film doesn't work, what in the name of all hell is even happening?

Cosmopolis is also really fucking boring, despite the dramatic and overcomplicated dialogue that no one understands, the few words you do pick out suggests a story of chaos and immediate danger, we know Packer is an extremely rich man and people are gunning for him but honestly...nothing ever happens, it never comes to anything it all just acts as backdrops. I've seen stage plays less static than this is, there isn't even a sense of an act structure or pace and in the end, the film just kind of...ends. To be fair though, it is impressive that the odd structure to the dialogue in this film makes even the most mundane thing sound truly epic.

And so that is it. The film is long scenes of dialogue that makes no sense, delivered by characters with mismatched emotions who stand in weird places, or do weird unrelated things while they talk. THE END. I struggled to hold my attention to the film, I struggled to finish this film, I was just so immensely bored, I'd gone beyond the point of confusion or irritation at my lack of understanding to a point where at some points, I'd drift off, not so much to sleep, as I was still watching what was playing out in front of me, but I was no longer really listening, I heard the words being spoken by my mind was done trying to unscramble it all and try and make any sense of it, to the point where many scenes would end, and it'd take me a while to realise the film had moved on.

It is all a shame too, because Cosmopolis is at points still directed beautifully by Cronenberg...I mean duh. Everything is all set up and in place for a fascinating world. And the film has a consistently great atmosphere and at times things really come together interestingly, and cleverly. Plus Cosmopolis does seem, at moments, to have some really interesting things to say but just as soon as you start getting the film, it rips you back out again with another nonsensical scene or piece of dialogue. It is a good movie, ruined by possibly the greatest collection of pretentiousness since Tumblr.

So do I recommend it? Hipsters will tell you that if you don't understand this film, you are stupid, they'll tell you this long, elaborate reading of the film which they can't prove or verify. When in reality, Cosmopolis is a pretentious, empty load of nothing with a handful of interesting ideas pissed away. I hate this film, I hate films like this, I hate what people say and discuss about films like this, I hate the way people react to reviews like this. I hate it all. Avoid.

Think About It!

-Locke