Predator.

As there isn't much in cinemas at the minute and not much out on DVD I expect many people to care about, I decided I'd rewatch Predator - since I loved the hell out of Predators and apparently this one is now the only one still in canon, with the other three erased from existence. Enjoy!

At the time of its release it actually wasn't that well received, with many critics disliking the film due to its weak plot, as to why you expect anything more than weak from an action movie staring Arnie...I don't know because I mean really, an action movie concentrating on the spectacle and not the story? What is the world coming too! There was a major issue with comparing this to Terminator, which I guess is a problem because Terminator is basically as close to a perfect movie as you can get so Predator never had a chance. Other asinine criticisms were that the movie was too 'grisly', really? Really? When I see death scenes, I want them to be cute and innocent, thank you very much. However over time critics grew to love it, praising the pacing, characters and special effects and it has become the classic we know it as.

Arnie of course plays a total badass and about the only difference between Arnie here and any other movie is in this one he is called Dutch. He is the same old, cigar smoking, muscle bound, penis envious big gun toting soldier type as he is in everything else and just as much a badass, as he is in everything else. He is the leader of an elite outside the military group of soldiers who Dutch claims is only there for rescue missions and not assassinations, not that any one around him actually believes him. And he is joined by Carl fucking Weathers, I can't handle all the badass, he too basically plays himself except in this he is called Dillon. And the sexual tension between Dutch and Dillon is almost awkwardly palpable in that high school jock sort of sense. Dutch's entire team is awesome though, their chemistry and dialogue is utterly charming, even if they are perhaps a little underused. That being said, just because the characters are good doesn't mean the actual acting is good, because trust me...the script they are given...they really can't do much with but no one even tries to do anything with it, there is bad acting across the board.
Predator starts off being about a mission to find a downed helicopter and rescuing the minister and his aid who were inside, who have been captured by guerillas after they go over the border illegally, however an opening shot of an alien spacecraft and something being shot to earth tells us something more is going on here. The first 'twist' is that this was all a set up and none of this ever existed in the first place and this was just plot convenience to get them into the path of the Predator with surprisingly the spaceship being the only real thing.

Predator is made up almost entirely of clichés, as I've always said I don't believe clichéd is a genuine criticism because clichés are clichés for a reason but it does get a little hard to take something seriously when it is made up almost entirely of them. The whole best of the best thing, the elite team, the whole assassin debate, the nostalgia for the old days, the whole 'where is our backup?' 'there are none, it's just us', the whole soldiers doing brutal, crazy things and enjoying it, we get the whole 'What happened to you?!' 'I woke up!' thing - a classic dick waving action movie, I mean hell, we even get a few montages, aw yeah! What I mean by all this is...Predator is so...by the numbers, there is nothing wrong with that, I was extremely entertained, but the Predator is barely in the film enough to mix it up, so I can perfectly understand why people didn't like this movie, this is made for hardcore action fans from the 80's/90's and basically no one else, it does nothing to reinvent, it's just here to tick boxes. Hell Arnie even gets a few cheesy one liners in there, 'stick around' Arnie smiles after he pins a guerilla to a wall with a knife. 'knock knock' Arnie smiles as he kicks down the door and guns down a room full of guerillas. And so on.
Thankfully with the film being almost thirty years old, there is no CGI in sight but sadly practical effects this old, really aren't much better. The Predator himself looks awesome - probably because we barely see him in his entirety but his actual tech, like his laser turret and cloaking device leave a lot to be desired - these could have probably looked better if they didn't blow most of their budget on Dutch and his team shooting at trees, these are meant to be elites, surely they know pissing their ammo away is a stupid idea? Short bursts, man. It doesn't help that the laser is so goddamn inconsistent, it can apparently sever limbs, blow a hole in someone the size of their torso or just burn the surface of their skin, with no explanation as to why it affects everyone different. And although the laser itself leaves a lot to be desired, the practical gore effects are great, limbs and blood will have been flung many a time before the movie is over, with a lot of people missing chunks or have flown at least once.

The action itself holds up slightly better, it isn't exactly stylish but it sure is fun. I mean there are a fair few fights omitted from the film and are instead narrated to us instead to increase the tension and pace, which I guess I can accept but what I really can't accept is these huge, brick shithouses and their apparent ninja like stealth abilities. Alien hunters are fine, but Arnie the ninja...too far, movie.
Plus, I know the squad getting picked off easily is probably the point because these guys are elites and the Predator is still running circles around them, but...it just isn't well staged. Dutch's team come across rather more pathetic, than overpowered, they could have done with actually cementing the ability of the team with something more than blowing up a guerilla camp who clearly never had a chance in the first place - especially since after they start getting picked off the whole team begins to crumble and fall apart, I really don't know how they've lasted this long. The movie is trying so hard to sell me the whole 'best of the best' thing but I'm just not buying it, you've given nothing to convince me.

The Predator ultimately isn't much better, once again I get what they were going for, but the fact they defeat the Predator with mud and basically smashing him until he falls down, just makes it seem the writers wrote themselves into the corner and couldn't think of a way out. I assume this was meant to be a whole back to basics skill vs tech thing as Dutch is left without his trusty penis substitute and must fashion an armoury from the jungle around him but come across more like a bit of copout. Thankfully though we still get a true spectacle of carnage and explosions to balance this all out and this is what we came to see, so here is a big fat tick for you, movie!
To be fair as well, although the director does little to convey a believability in the Predator's apparent incredible ability and tech, does little to convince us why mud would be the one thing that finally allows someone to take down a Predator or the believability in the team of elites the last twenty or so minutes really are well staged if not a little awkwardly choreographed, Dutch has become this savage...creature...he has almost become the Predator himself and their showdown is big, loud and action packed - the movie goes out with a real bang, fans of the movie, will get the pun.

So do I recommend it? Honestly, Predator is a really bad movie. Given the kind of film this is, the bad acting can get a pass. Given the films age, the special effects can get a pass too - hell in places some of the special effects are still really good. And for the most part, I don't see clichéd as a genuine criticism, but when your movie is made up entirely of clichés, you have a serious problem. The only true criticism I have and the one thing that leaves the film feeling so broken is just in how much the film fails to do what it seems to be set out to do and so I guess the blame really is on the director, John McTiernan but you know what, the thing is despite all this, I was having so much fun throughout the thing that in the end none of this really seems to matter. Predator is no doubt a terrible movie, but it's so fucking entertaining I'd feel wrong for not recommending it to everyone.

Think About It!

-Locke