Knockout.

I've talked a lot about gloriously bad movies from the 80s and early 90s but not at all of gloriously bad films from the last decade and since I really don't have much else to look at as of right now, let's talk about Stone Cold Steve Austin's body of acting work. Think About It! Presents: A Stone Cold Christmas. (geddit?)

I decided to do specifically Steven Austin's shit movies because there is already enough piss taking of John Cena and Roddy Piper's efforts. Plus, his body of work is surprisingly consistent in that every film he's ever acted in is glorious in how cheesy it all sounds. Plus come on, Steve Austin was a badass when he wrestled and is a badass in his movies.

And...this film is pretty awful and not in the fun way, I hate to admit. If I had known in advanced, I probably wouldn't have started here. But at least we can only go up from here! As always with these kind of films, there is little on it on the internet other than obvious press releases released by the suits behind the film and I only found a handful of reviews, one of which was on a website built around Christian Cinema, what the fuck? So I had no idea what I was about to be in for.

I could summarise Knockout's plot but there is little point, this is a sports drama which rips off Rocky and The Karate Kid (and references both in the film itself) and then tries to blend the two ripoff's together. Every single aspect of this film is taken from other films and horribly butchered. I assure you, you've seen this underdog boxing story before and you've seen it done much, much better. Low budget films like this need imagination to stand out and Knockout has none. It does feature one of the most homoerotic bullies ever, though.

Our main character is Matthew Miller, who is basically Will McKenzie from the Inbetweeners, only the movie doesn't play it for laughs. He, unlike Will, is also a massive cunt, oh and he really likes boxing because his Granddad was a boxer or some shit, I don't know. Oh and Steve Austin? He's in it for like five minutes. He plays some ex boxer who is now a school janitor who kind of does that thing Derek did in the first season of Teen Wolf, where he just skulks around in the background looking constipated and doesn't do much else until the story actually demands he does something, only then to disappear again when the story doesn't need him again.

Steve Austin himself creates this weird...plothole? I don't really know how you'd describe it. You see Matthew is obsessed with the classic boxers and the film makes many references to them along with a heap of meta references and pop culture jokes, suggesting this is set in the same universe as ours. Only Steve Austin isn't called Steve Austin and he isn't a former wrestler, so what this is our world down to every detail, except in this world Austin was born Dan Barnes and became a boxer? This is like a weird Twilight Zone episode.

The characters who populate this film are all assholes who all talk like the dialogue was written exclusively for the trailer so it sounds unnatural and scripted. Even the mother character, which I usually cut a lot of slack for with all things considered, still managed to infuriate me in this film. The fact she plucked her son out of his life where he really had everything going for him, it seems, into this shitty ass school in a very rough looking neighbourhood is bad enough any way especially as she's just doing it for a man. But then she goes on to smother Matthew so he can't even get a new life on track, what an asshole. In the end, I only started to warm to Matthew due to sheer amount of cunts surrounding him, I mean the bully, Hector seems more creepily obsessed than some kind of genuine threat. And my God, don't get me started on how badly this film fails when it tries to be funny...

However it isn't all the writings fault, mind you. Many of the line deliveries really cried for another take and even when it doesn't sound like they forgot or mixed up their lines, it's still delivered so unnaturally and wooden. It really says a lot when the best actor in your movie is Steve Austin. Plus none of the cast have any chemistry whatsoever. Ruby is as forced a love interest as one could possibly be and her scenes with Matthew actually made me wince a little in embarrassment and I know they were trying this whole father son thing with Barnes and Matthew but I wasn't buying that shit for a second.

With everyone shouting empty pseudo inspirational quotes all the time something about the pacing ended up feeling really off. It's kind of like there are huge time jumps between every scene. Nothing ever really gets any build up, it's just lots of little explosions that have no impact at all because the film doesn't try to give us any sense of emotional attachment to anything in it first. Whenever there is conflict, it seems to largely come from nowhere. It just seems to assume we'll care about a load of random characters from the beginning or it just wants to rush to the emotional set-pieces and isn't interested in all that 'boring' set up stuff. Either way it just left me feeling disconnected from everything from start to finish which is a shame because although yes, this is as generic as a boxing drama comes, there is still a solid story here with some great moments but they are just lost in a film that manages to feel strangely rushed and incredibly slow all at the same time.

The fighting doesn't help save the movie either, the realistic way the fighting is done fits with the tone of the film but doesn't really make for exciting fight scenes. I could just be watching real boxing instead. The movie tries to mix it up with some effects and filters but about all that achieves is making the budget limitations noticeable.

So do I recommend it? If the film was actually well written and the actors actually did their job with any sense of ability, this probably could have been quite fun but honestly, when the film isn't boring, it's just kind of painful. Dan Barnes is fun and played well by Steve Austin but this is a sub genre already populated by so many champions, this featherweight never had a shot.

Think About It!

-Locke