Doctor Who: S07PT2E03 - Cold War.

Last week's adventure was, in my mind, the Eleven's best adventure yet. Will this weeks top it? Let's find out...

This weeks premise, which seems to be a running trend of Moffat's Who, sounds like it was a lot better on paper than it actually turned out to be on screen. Picture this, it's the 80s, the world is on the brink of the Cold War. A Soviet Nuclear submarine finds and defrosts an Ice Warrior, the aliens native to Mars. The Ice Warrior begins a rampage through the ship, abandoned by their race, it has nothing left to lose and lots of Nuclear missiles to play with. Sounds great huh? Yeah...

One of the biggest problems is just how cheap it all looks and feels. These last two episodes have for the most part looked pretty damn great, if Moffat is striving for a more cinematic feel for Who, the people under him nailed it. Here however the CGI is utterly dreadful and after last week's stunning visuals, crappy and dated looking CGI exterior shots of the sub and unconvincing sets for the interior of the sub are frankly insulting.

And that isn't even mentioning that not one aspect of this episode is original, they basically just took The Thing, Alien and The Hunt For Red October and threw the Doctor and an Ice Warrior in there. Sadly though the ideas they flat out rip off are ripped off in the same manner as those bad, modern PG-13 horror B-Movies and sadly without any of the self-aware charm that usually comes with them. Blink and you'll forget for a moment that you are watching Doctor Who and instead think you're watching a SyFy Original. I feel sorry for the poor Ice Warriors, this is their first appearance in New Who and they get this piece of shit episode.

And perhaps one of the strangest things is how little any of the setting and context really comes into play. Despite multiple references at how deep the sub was and how their air is running out this never comes into play in any way and has no real affect on the characters aside from when they announce to the audience that that is happening. And for a bunch of Soviet soldiers contemplating dropping the world into a Cold War, they manage to stay very calm as the episode transpires which frankly just felt weird. Although not nearly as weird as David Warner basically playing a grown up version of the obligatory stoner character in a slasher film who is just there...for reasons. Oh well, time to kill off more of the cast off-screen.

And before someone complains about consistency, yes, I love it when the Doctor wins the war with words but last week's word showdown was epically staged and stunning visually. This week the Doctor didn't defeat the Ice Warriors with words, he defeated them with weak writing and plot convenience. I physically can't comprehend how people can criticise last weeks episode for the same things they are praising this one for.

The episode is fucking confusing as well. At one point Clara says to the Doctor that the world wouldn't end in 1983 because 2013 is happening right now. The Doctor explains however that history is in flux, it can be changed. This is fine but Skaldak was found without the Doctor's intervention which would mean that at least in the Doctor Who universe, Skaldak was always found in 1983. The only person changing history here is the Doctor and Clara who are trying to stop Skaldak from doing what he is doing. So that either means that they are changing the future by stopping him or that it was always supposed to happen this way, there was just never any mention of this ever...either way it hurts. And sure paradoxes like that are the byproduct of any time travel narrative but the writers under Moffat seem to make the paradoxes especially noticeable and obvious.

A load of English actors playing Russians? Hmm. Although nothing new in this genre, the heavy English accents on everyone got in the way a lot, they could have at least tried to tone it down somewhat. Plus the whole episode drops reference, after reference to the context of its setting as if trying to be as accurate as possible then they have a load of Russians who sound like London Gangsters. And yes, I know, the TARDIS translator. However they are talking in English before the Doctor arrives and continue to, long after the TARDIS leaves and even with the TARDIS in mind, it has a unique voice for each person it translates but each one has a thick English accent? And how can the Russians understand Skaldak? And yes I recognise this is nitpicking but with Sci-Fi especially, because of all the crazy things going on, how can we believe in the craziest of things if the most simple of things are wrong?

One thing I can compliment the episode for was the design of the Ice Warrior. I love how New Who simply cleans up the classic appearances (for the most part) rather than just completely redesigning them. 2013's Ice Warrior just looked like a much sleeker, more expensive version of the classic one, I love that. Next time they appear, I just hope they do something with them.

I will admit I am warming to Clara every week. Yes the romance crap, that is something I must remind you of constantly (well as to how much it pisses me off, anyway) and yes it still pisses me off but Clara doesn't feel like a spare part, she gives herself a reason to be around. She is vulnerable but she is also useful as well, neither aspects feel forced, she feels well balanced. And although fleeting, the scene where she realised just how dangerous it is travelling with the Doctor, was a highlight for me.

The Doctor however...The Doctor is a goof but he isn't stupid. Behind his whimsy is a sharp wit and a deep intelligence. Although... not in this episode. Seriously I spent pretty much every scene asking what his logic was behind what he was doing was but I was so exhausted by that in the first ten minutes I instead just locked my face in the WTF position ready for the rest episode.

This episode was woefully overstuffed. There were a lot of interesting characters and ideas in play here, all going on at once, but they were basically teased and skimmed over because there was way too much going on in the confined space of that submarine. Although I wouldn't wanna sit through another hour of this, if the episode had been a two parter and had more space to breathe, more time to explore everything, to set the scene and provide a proper ending the whole thing could have been hell of alot better. As it stands though, it was a bit shit really.

Pros;

• Well the premise, at least on paper, sounded pretty good.
• Skaldak looked great.
• Clara.

Cons;

• A great idea, poorly executed. Why am I surprised? Moffat Who has a tendency for that.
• It looks cheap as hell. 
• Steals from films that you should just watch instead.
• Weakly written. 
• Crap ending.
• Paradoxes, inconsistencies and flat out bullshit everywhere.
• I hated how The Doctor was written.
• Poor Ice Warriors. 
• Hell, I'd rather watch the SyFy Originals, at least they know their limitations.
• Lovely accents, Soviet Navy.
• Terrible pacing.

Think About It!

-Locke

What would you rate, 'Cold War'?