Red Dead Redemption.

I'm gonna say in advanced so you guys can't get butthurt about it that this review isn't really about the game, because I didn't actually finish it. It's just my complaints about why the game sucks and why I had to stop playing after I got migraines and grew very close to snapping my controller. I will also say advanced to avoid claims of bias that I love a lot of their titles, except maybe GTAIV which was an overhyped overrated piece of turd. I also know basically every gamer and their Mum sucks Rockstars cock like a whore with a penis addiction, who has then been starved of cock for months and when I point out the genuine and perhaps less genuine issues of this game you'll merely turn around and say 'It's cause you suck at it.' And okay fine, maybe part of the reason I didn't enjoy this game is because I 'suck at it' but that doesn't explain some god awful controls and design choices, fuck, any way...on with the review, enjoy! Or get butthurt, whatever.

So many design choices in this game that make no fucking sense, and there are probably more than these written here but these ones specifically stuck out like a black guys erect dick in a porno full of asian males (OOOO BURN).

Firstly, why is Marston so fucking 'REALISTIC'? By that I mean, he gets shot like twice in the arm and he dies. Right, let's just say Rockstar wanted 'realism', okay fine. THEN WHY CAN ENEMIES TAKE FOUR POINT BLANK SHOTS AND NOT DIE? The fuck is that? FUCK!

Secondly? Horses, before I get into the god awful controls I'm just gonna point one thing out, THE STAMINA BAR, seriously Rockstar, who the hell thought this was a good idea? Thanks to being able to teleport around the map at campsites horses will probably only be used in their specific missions and these normally chase or race missions and this would be fine if the horses didn't have stamina. Do you know how fucking hard it makes it when it can run for about four seconds before it angrily throws you off? I haven't got the fucking time or the fucking life to stand around and wait for my fucking horse to catch its breath, I mean why the hell is this fucking horse so unfit anyway? Okay fine, fair enough, give it apples and horse pills and it gets all its stamina back, fair enough but the fact that I have to buy something extra to make my horse keep running is fucking stupid. And even worse, carriages, I don't even know how to get the horses stamina back up on a carriage so basically any mission with a carriage I have to retry about four times when I keep dying waiting for my horses to finish their fucking cigarettes.

Next? John Marston may die like a human being (sorta) and that's frustrating in itself but this game plays like a glossy version of a NES game, sending waves and waves of enemies at you for you to wade through with the INSANELY boring cover gameplay with checkpoints maybe every five waves, so you guessed it, die on the fifth wave? Back you go. Yes, you can indeed get health or you could indeed just duck back into cover. BUT the enemies are often so hard to see in the sea of boring as shit brown scenery you have to guess where they are from the minimap, so the amount of time I got into cover thinking I was safe according to the map only to die from being shot in the side. FOR THE LOVE OF.

And for that matter, for gun fights so fast and frantic and intense you'd expect speed and firepower to match this and allow you to keep up, WRONG. The fire fights are as huge as they are because the missions always make you face like thirty guys at once, giving the impression of being shot at by like one guy with a gattling gun in any other game. And this would be fine if it wasn't for the fact that all you can do to return this onslaught is to fire your own measly and occasionally semi automatic weapons and stopping every four shots to fucking reload.

It also seems John hates birds, because in the middle of a huge and frantic fire fight, you hit the aim button, you wait for it to lock on, fire and...he has just shot a FUCKING BIRD he ignores the twenty something guys around him all shooting at him and shoots a bird just flying over the fight minding its own business. You could logically argue that he aims for that because it's the nearest thing to him or in his direction, but it'd even do that if an enemy is in your face. And when the lock on system isn't taking out birds for John's sexual pleasure, it just doesn't work at all. If an enemy is to close it locks on to nothing, if an enemy is even partially hidden by cover it locks on to a random wall, if an enemy is up to high it just fucking ignores it, without actually placing your sight over someones face yourself then pressing the lock on button you may as well not bother.

And finally, the controls...OH GOD THE HORROR. Horses appear to have a huge ball on their side, so when they turn, they have to first walk around the ball, meaning you go the wrong way or get stuck behind something (because the camera is so fucking bad you can't see as you walk into rocks and shit) you have to do this fucking horrible game of trying to get the horse to move backwards and turn that results in what looks like a wild west version of those comedy sketches when a person tries to get in a really tight parking space with a car that's obviously too large for the space in the first place.

It feels like I'm missing something...Oh well, I can always do a part two later.

Think About It!

-Locke.