And Soon The Darkness.

So as always, been a while since I've done a film review, so I'm going to fill the time with an utter piece of shit. Enjoy!



Amber Heard is an actress I've had a crush on for the longest amount of time. I  mean I feel bad when I just completely objectify a woman but really Heard's film collection is utter shit and it seems she is only well known now for objectifying herself. From time to time I go back to her IMDB page and pick one of her films to watch, just in the hope of finding something other to say about her than 'she is a bit alright' sadly, the two films I actually liked her in...she was just there to perv on and be a shoehorned love interest any way.

Today's Heardwreck was clearly destined for failure from the very beginning, if Heard's films suck already then Heard being placed in an adaptation of an already bad film, is truly a recipe for disaster. But hey, Amber Heard and Odette Yustman in bikini, yeah! Sadly that seems to be the only thing the film is known for, so much for finding something other than 'she is a bit fit' to say. Oh well! And no, I won't be making comparisons between the two movies, that is way more effort than shit deserves. Apparently Heard helped produce this movie too? She must have really wanted this to get made...for some reason.

Oh yeah and for the ladies out there, this movies main male lead is Karl Urban...why he is in this film, I'm really not sure. But this guy does seem to turn up in almost everything, with a wide range of different roles. I guess he is just a shit Michael Fassbender. The most depressing thing is how much shit he has been in since Star Trek, including this movie. Shouldn't his excellent portrayal of Bones have really rocketed him to the stars? Well apparently not. I guess he just really wanted a paycheck. But can I just say, nothing to do with the movie or anything but Judge Dredd? Really? To be fair he is one of the better actors in this movie and plays one of the better characters and is also in the end one of the most pointless, too.

Basically the plot is this, Heard who plays Stephanie and Yustman who plays Ellie are cycling through Argentina because...it's fun I guess. They were part of a cycling group but end up going off on their own, proving they are both idiots and as if to cement this, go to a rough local bar and get utterly shitfaced the night before the last bus to get them to the airport leaves. What could go wrong in this tiny, in the middle of nowhere deadbeat town with two drunk tourists hmm? This leads to hangovers and missing their last bus, surprise surprise and that all leads into a shattered friendship which is the catalyst for the actual movie to start. And Stephanie is the best friend ever, leaving behind her friend in the middle of nowhere, in a foreign country and she pays the price too, yay justice. In the end though, I could never really understand what the villains motivations were, were they selling tourists for sex? Or what?

Heard and Yustman are both are awful in this film. Especially Yustman, her acting was so awful she actively made me cringe. I can't tell if Ellie is just an awfully written character or if Yustman is just a shit actress. Or both. She is the generic playful, flirty idiot female horror character. And Stephanie is just annoying, why don't you just go whine some more. It's ironic that Heard of all people is playing the much more timid, less outgoing female character with the most brains out of the pair. Can I just say though, not trying to sound shallow or insensitive, but why are they both so damn skinny? They aren't this skinny normally, did they starve themselves for this movie? The scene in the bar, those dresses just made them look ill. Either way, a man never complains about bikini fanservice. They do try and create some sense of character arcs and developments, but when you're sticking so close to archetypes you really have no hope of it going anywhere.

The film actually has really good cinematography, its ability to create an atmosphere is impressive, but wasted. And I wonder how much of the establishing footage is stock, beautiful regardless. There are some absolutely incredible locations used throughout.

Much is the same for the editing too, it uses a lot of visual motifs and does a lot more showing than it does telling and in general really uses the fact it is a film to its fullest potential as the film slowly brings everything together with a constant sense of menace and rising tension. I mean seriously, the way all the little things fit together is nothing short of incredible, if treated a little heavy handedly. I guess it proves though, that no matter how masterfully something is put together, if what you're putting together is still shit it won't get any better.

For all the great construction though, it doesn't stop this being extremely poorly paced. Running in at around the usual ninety minutes, it could have easily been about half an hour. I understand the first 45 minutes or so are build up, but there was really no need for this much build up. However I did like the way they teased us with things, introducing things little and often to give us minipay offs before the big one. It was really satisfying.

Although to be fair to the pacing, there is a lot of plot to this movie and it really impressed me with its level of depth. It portrays an excellent sense of paranoia as Stephanie is the girl alone in the foreign country, not knowing who she can trust. But also these wider plots of the mysterious ghost down Villa Del Lago and the mysterious disappearances of many women on the island are brought centre stage and are then just kinda there...the elephant in the room the movie just pretends isn't there until the credits role.

I can't tell if my copy magically had no subtitles or if we weren't meant to have any. I could see why we wouldn't, it adds to the suspense and puts us in the same position as the protagonists with their limited grasps of the language. But on the other hand there were whole scenes where I had no fucking clue what anyone was saying. But I'm still happy they kept a continuity with the native languages.

It's funny, modern horror films hate mobile phones, they take all the fun out of everything and they always find these contrived reasons to stop the characters using them. In a movie set in a foreign country in the middle of nowhere, it has the perfect excuse to disable mobiles...and doesn't. I just found that strange.

So do I recommend this? Honestly... I just don't get it. It's been a very long time since I've watched a film and just gone 'what', I really have no idea what I just watched. The film in itself isn't complicated or hard to follow, but there is loads of plot that is just... there. Mysterious shot of a man! Who is this man? You'll never find out! Another mysterious man! Who is this man? You'll never find out. Centre your movie around a former tourist resort that looks like it's been nuked, show strong reactions from the locals to the place, then never explain it! There are other such visual motifs spotted throughout the movie, clues left by the filmmakers, things actively spotlighted so we pay attention, for their purpose to never realise. I mean like, what was even the point of this movie? Why were girls being stolen? It's so frustrating, I don't understand!

Despite, by the end, not really understanding what I just watched. This film is at least made much better than it really needs to be and it pays off. It seems set to be a generic torture porn flick, then turns into something else entirely, and there is an interesting, exciting story in play here, with loads of twists and turns it's just a shame most of that story never goes anywhere.

Think About It!

-Locke