Paradise Alley.

As I have nothing of any real relevance to review and absolutely no interest in seeing the new Expendables sequel, I thought I'd take a look across Stallone's career at some of his highlights, some of lowlights and attempt to avoid the more obvious targets and where better to start than the movie Stallone was allowed to direct after his success with Rocky? Enjoy!

Despite being his directorial début, information on this film is oddly lacking around the internet, whether hit or miss, when a star becomes as big as Stallone did, roots like this normally get some kind of attention. Hell I could only find two English reviews on the entire internet (I mean 'proper' reviews), what is going on? Well this isn't a documentary so you can find out for yourself, it just means I can't dump you a load of facts at the beginning to lead you in with the assumption I know what I'm talking about. Damn. Basically it's Rocky with Wrestling and a bit of a mess, let's dig in and stuff....

Set in New York in 1946 Paradise Alley is the story of three brothers, one played by Stallone himself. The three brothers aren't exactly...making it, but the immediate world around them isn't much better. Paradise Alley's 1940's New York is one seedy place. One of the brothers, Cosmo, (the one Stallone plays) has regular run ins with a group of gangsters. Gangsters which are meant to be scary, I think? But seem to be oddly played for comedic relief. Vic is the strong, but stupid one and Lenny is the crippled but smart one. Oddly, the three brothers are played in a really strange dynamic, with Vic being pretty dumb - but really strong, Cosmo ends up like a devil on his shoulder - until he randomly starts to actually care about something other than money and plays the hero with Lenny as the angel - well until he becomes money hungry and almost kills Vic but you know.... Much of the first hour is just Cosmo being a wideboy, and there is some love triangle or some shit - none of the first hour of drama really goes anywhere because the last forty minutes is dedicated to a cheesy sports drama with Vic getting involved in wrestling.

Stallone may have had moments in his career where critics remember Stallone is actually an actor...but here really isn't it, I know he's the director here but he has placed himself in the central role too, egotistical much? He even sings the opening and ending credits song, which is just as terrible as you can imagine. He is just so immensely wooden and awkward - he gets so excited by the script in places his voice becomes this inaudible noise as his slurred words conjoin together. At least he looks happy. Then again, odd mismatched emotions to scenes and awkward dialogue plague the entire script, I cringed through nearly every scene. None of the dialogue ever feels natural, it never truly feels like characters are talking, it just feels like they are shouting out quotes...it just feels scripted.

I don't think this film is supposed to be quite as funny as it actually is. Early on in the movie there is easily the most dramatic arm wrestling scene, I have ever seen. Dramatic music, extreme close ups, fast edits, the two guys gleaming with sweat with these extreme expressions - if I didn't know better, I'd say this was a Rocky spoof movie and the fact it is played so straight makes it all the more hilarious. To be fair, as wrestling becomes more and more the focus of the piece the action is pretty well choreographed and shot and satisfyingly visceral with all the theatrical flare you'd expect from wrestling - you'd hope Rocky himself would know something about shooting fights. The final fight especially, is brilliantly staged - we know how much of a threat the opponent is, we know how much is at stake, the rain is pouring down, there is thunder and lightning, the ring is soaking and these guys are scrambling and wailing on each other like their life depends on it. Melodramatic, sure but still awesome. Although you could argue in such a gritty, serious drama, such flamboyant action is a little out of place.

The movie is slow. It spends a lot of time establishing characters and setting - there is nothing really wrong with that in itself but the seediness of the setting is played to such extremes, it becomes truly goofy and the combination of the badly written characters and actors barely giving it their half means any time the camera lingers on characters for 'serious drama' you are begging for the scene to end. It just drags while you wait for another hilariously over the top action scene.

So do I recommend it? Paradise Alley is a truly terrible film - but that is kind of what is so good about it. If you take it as serious as Stallone intended this to be, you won't get an ounce of enjoyment out of it. It is badly written, badly acted and Stallone's direction is muddled. However if you step back from it all, the combination of a terribly written, overly melodramatic script, Stallone's over acting and some truly flamboyant action makes for an absolutely hilarious movie and a truly great time. I recommend this to basically anyone who likes having fun. So, everyone then.

Think About It!

-Locke