Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter.

Look, I need a break, okay? Trancers 4 was insanely fucking bad and I'm really not ready to revisit that universe yet and what better break than a movie about killing vampires? Especially considering this is a brand new film and I've already reviewed the rip off. Enjoy! (and no the round up doesn't count, that was like a week in the making!) - also, as my reviews have gotten more detailed and in turn text heavier, I've increased the line spacing a little, I'll be interested in your thoughts on that too!

Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Hunter is based on a novelty novel (arf) that came out in 2010. Tim Burton had some influence in the production and the original writer of the novel adapted it into screenplay form. Despite all this, it wasn't particularly well received by critics or the general public. The main complaints were that the film was too serious for its own good that creates an incoherent feel with such a silly central premise making something that is both stupid and not particularly fun. Its action and general style has received praise though and come on, it can't be worse than Jack of Swords! So, let's dig in...

Ironically the title makes for a pretty good plot summary, really, you get exactly what is said on the tin and not an ounce more. Abraham Lincoln's mother is killed by a vampire, he swears vengeance, grows up, meets the vampire Henry Sturges and becomes a vampire hunter. Finding he kinda sucks with guns, Lincoln chooses a simple axe as his signature weapon (there is a gun hidden inside it), this is both badass and slightly disappointing given some of the cool weapons Sturges has. For the next half an hour or so the film meanders a lot as they try to push in a love thread and develop Lincoln as a badass, without forgetting this guy is meant to become the president. Eventually Lincoln faces the vampire who killed his mother and the plot picks up for a bit. We get some back story for Sturges, finding out that his vampire hunting ways got his wife killed and landed him as a bloodsucker. Lincoln gets married, fights more vamps and we get some history stuff. Lincoln becomes president and stuff for the last twenty or so minutes, VAMPIRES. Anyway so Lincoln's son dies, a civil war happens, they give it a vampire bent, Lincoln wins, the vampires flee and Lincoln is assassinated, the end!

The film does try to weave vampires into American history - it feels like it's trying to make a point, with the way the vampires infiltrate and then begin to try and take over America from the inside out, but I know little of American history, I still know enough however that despite its setting, this seems more of an excuse to put vampires and Abraham Lincoln in the same room, rather than anything more, this rich point in history gets more a 'greatest hits shoutout' than really a chance to meld with the plot aside from a few 'vampires did that' exposition dump moments. What I will say did surprise me is that despite this being a multiplex blockbuster, Vampire Hunter does very little to soften the bleakness of its setting, there are moments which really took me off guard with how brutal and dark they were. This isn't a cheerful film.

As always with vampire films, the vampires here aren't quite like those in any other film - they have the usual super strength, super speed, no reflection etc powers but they have less two sharp canines and more the ability to grow a full on shark jaw and they have the power to go invisible with only one weakness, silver. Or at least that is what the plot says, aside from vampires killed by shelves and fire, but oh well! Another oddly muddled concept is that vampires, cannot harm their own kind, 'one of God's tricks', although this is a pretty cool concept and an interesting new addition, one of the opening action scenes of the film is Sturges throwing another vampire through a building, so huh? I mean okay, maybe you missed that scene, so just in case you did, Sturges and Big Bad Adam have a gigantic vampire on vampire fight in the climax. Oh well, so much for that rule then! In the end, despite a lot of flash, I think the vampires in this film were surprisingly rubbish - not quite as rubbish as the Buffy the Vampire Slayer vamps but nonetheless pretty rubbish. We live in a world with Twilight now, they basically made popular the concept of Vampires basically being the X-Men who drink blood, vampires like the ones in this film just don't cut it in today's world.

Vampire Hunter is as badass as it is spectacular. It bleeds style in its almost comic bookesque, visceral action sequences. I think we become so desensitised to big budget productions that it becomes tiresome, but take a break from it, watch smaller, low budget productions for a while and then come back to these kind of films and you really start to appreciate what the blockbuster of 2012 can do. It is just pure, thrill seeking entertainment at its finest. It just looks great, the most inconsequential battles are still bigger and more spectacular than the final acts of most non-blockbuster films. It is also so fucking cheesy as well, like a classic action film done with 2012 technology and it makes for an epic mix. I think the fight sequence around forty minutes in was definitely one of the coolest things I've seen in the last few months, for those who have seen it, I'm sure you know what I am talking about - for those who haven't, you need to see this shit. Although yes, there is still a lot of CGI and it is just as terrible as in most films these days, although with the cartoony action I suppose I can be a little more forgiving when the whole thing descends into basically a cartoon itself.

If I was to have any problems with the action - other than the inconsistencies I have mentioned already - it would probably be with the consistently inconsistent nature of it all (irony?). I know there isn't logic anyway, but even the most fantastical of films still have rules to some extent but Vampire Hunter really does like to turn up the badass meter at the expense of everything else. Key vampires provide Lincoln with battles close to Dragon Ball Z level of craziness, most of the time he barely survives or only survives through plot convenience but most of the emotional punch of his near misses are lost because they balance these scenes with Lincoln one hit killing abut thirty no-name vampires first without breaking a sweat and there is nothing much in place to really explain why 90% of vampire kind can be killed with basically anyone with silver but then a vampire with a name would make Frieza weak at the knees. I mean I get it, like why it is done, those scenes where Lincoln is killing like thirty vampires in thirty seconds is just designed to be cool and isn't supposed to be looked at logically but it just creates a disconnect when a named vampire just strolls in and smashes Lincoln away with a limp swat and Lincoln can barely make a dent, after the body count he just racked up in the same scene - sometimes seconds earlier. The most frustrating thing about this though, is this could have been so easily avoided. 'The longer a vampire lives...the stronger they become' 'The more a vampire feeds...' 'The more people they turn...', they've all been used in vampire lore, take your pick, with just one throwaway bit of dialogue, it could have avoided this problem all together.

What is surprising is that Vampire Hunter can be quite scary, admittedly mainly through jump scares and an extreme amount of paranoia more than anything else, but most of the time, these kind of films put emphasis on the action and the horror is simply a genre tag added because it has monsters in it, so it's nice that it bothers to add a little horror at all.

As I'm English I have no connection to Lincoln as a figure, but I must say between this one and VS Zombies, I actually much preferred the rip off Lincoln, Oberst Jr. not only looked more fitting but I felt he also put in a much better performance. Benjamin Walker feels miscast, I mean look at that makeup, fifty? He looks about seventy! Why'd they cast someone so young anyway? Sure, the first hour or so of the film is basically a flashback so we needed a younger actor there, but we still have forty minutes of Granddad Lincoln to deal with at the end.

Behind all the flash, you really don't notice until the end just how poorly this is paced. There is plot, a lot of it, but the film rarely slows down or puts aside its action for it, personally I enjoyed the constant action and flying speed of the film but I do know that it can frustrate those who were expecting at least some plot and character development to not happen mainly in voiceovers, flashbacks or behind the scenes. It also probably doesn't help that our main couple have absolutely no chemistry at all, love interest, more like wood interest, am I right? The film does seem to pick up such speed in places that it actively seems to skip over some things for the sake of more action and although it doesn't hamper your enjoyment or confuse your understanding, it certainly creates a bit of a disconnect emotionally.

So do I recommend it? Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter is a true blockbuster, exciting and mind meltingly stupid. I think I actually disliked this film the longer it went on, initially I was blown away by the spectacular set pieces, but in the end there were so many spectacular set pieces that it just became almost...bland, spectacular had become normal within the films diegesis, I became spoilt by it, what also didn't really help is that the film explored vampires as it went along and with each new added rule was a newly added inconsistency and by the end the thing had so many holes it could be confused for cheese. If you go into this without hopes of them using their setting, if you don't believe a word the film says about anything or think about anything they say for too long you can probably enjoy this film a lot, despite some awful CGI in places, there is no denying the action in this film is just pure bliss. For everyone else though, I think the film will only frustrate and I'm pretty sure only the geeks amongst us will think the film saved by such great action set pieces. In the end, I think the rip-off is actually better than the original, I'd much sooner recommend VS Zombies than I would this, although no, Vampire Hunter isn't completely terrible.

Think About It!

-Locke