Hemlock Grove: Episode 1 - Jellyfish in the Sky.

I was originally going to take a look at Amazon/Lovefilm's Zombieland Pilot but then I didn't see one person with anything nice to say. As many jokes as you can make about me being a pretentious asshole who doesn't like what everyone else likes, with so many TV shows either ongoing or coming out in a constant stream, I really haven't got time to possibly waste on a Pilot that I might be the only person to enjoy. However watching this turned out to be just as much of a mistake, fuck.


If you didn't know, Hemlock Grove is a Netflix original series with Eli Roth as the executive producer (and the director of the pilot) based on a novel that only came out around this time last year. A year doesn't really seem long to produce a thirteen episode series, especially if you read into all the problems they had trying to get a location to shoot. But whatever.

Here is what you need to know about the episode. A girl is murdered by a werewolf. And you don't even get that much plot in the actual episode, it's just pretty much all of the series big twists and reveals have already been spoiled in the trailers. That basically sets the tone for how awful this episode was.

One of the worst things about Hemlock Grove is its horrible use of flashbacks. I assumed the main chunk of the episode was taking place before the opening scene because it claimed 'Earlier That Summer' but then the body from the opening is found later in that episode without any on screen indication of time moving back to the present again. It wasn't until I went back that I realised people kept shouting 'Summer ends tomorrow!' and although I do feel immensely dumb for missing that, why introduce two flashbacks with text and one time movement with dialogue? Then again that does kind of sum up how this episode is put together. Poorly. My favourite moment in terms of general shittiness is a completely pointless flashback sequence that just...happens in the middle of the episode and despite being set in 2000 looks like a student films remake of Sin City...for some reason. What a load of shit.

Plus even without the confusing timescale, each scene seems there less to tell us information and more to set up questions so we come back and watch. Some scenes honestly seemed to have no purpose whatsoever. There is a need to hook your audience on network TV because you basically spend your entire run with your head on the chopping block, especially in your first few episodes but that makes no sense here on Netflix since the whole series is up already for you to watch. Surely with that structuring in mind, you can put as much time as you want into every story to explore it in the most amount of possible detail? I may have been confused by the end of the Hannibal Pilot but the little information I got there is still more than the no information at all I got from this.

And even if we do assume this is meant as a tongue in cheek, self aware camp horror romp, it still doesn't work because the acting and direction are so poor. No one feels comfortable, which is a clear sign of poor direction and with all these awkward actors, standing in beautiful locations, it appears Roth is another name to add to the long list of directors who can direct their scenery better than their actors, then again it isn't like the guy has ever had actual characters to direct before.

The dialogue in this episode is dreadful as well, so it looks like neither Roth nor the cast had much to work with scriptwise either. Everything sounds scripted and unnatural and that is just in the general conversations, when it comes to actual plot centred dialogue, they literally just sound like they are reading out of a text book all delivered with unbelievable and frankly laughable accents.

And if nothing else the worst crime is this show really fucking makes me miss The Gates. It was about a gated community full of monsters, it was also really fucking good and really fucking cancelled. I had gotten over how annoyed I was about that being cancelled, until I watched this show which plays out like a remake by someone on a drugs binge. Go watch The Gates, it's sorta like Hemlock Grove with less boobs and blood but also good.

And for all I know the series may get a lot better, taking Eli Roth away from the production (minus his money) is pretty much a guaranteed way to improve the quality immediately. But after watching this, I have very little interest in seeing anything else it has to offer because this had barely anything to offer me.

Pros;

• There is some good cinematography.
• And some good set design/locations.

Cons;

• Nothing really happens. 
• Awful pacing and plotting.
• Eli Roth is an awful director.
• The acting sucks.
• The dialogue is bad.
• It reminds me that The Gates got cancelled. 

Think About It!

-Locke

What would you rate, 'Jellyfish in the Sky'?