This deserves a review for the simple reason that every time I think about this film, I hate it just that little bit more. This abomination is quite possibly one of the worst things I've ever seen, there really isn't one redeeming thing about it. The girls kinda hot though, but there isn't even a sex scene, what the fuck, man?
It opens in a beautiful mist filled eastern landscape with our hero showing off his superhuman speed and skill (and perhaps a way to get around a very low budget) and dispatches both groups of ninja and 'the greatest swordsman in the world ever' (punctuated with a terrible out of context caption, a style never used again in the film) in one step. Now all our hero has to do is kill the daughter of the former greatest swordsman in the world ever and his clan, the Sad Flutes, have finally won a war between clans that's spanned over 500 years. Only our hero has a 'heart of a priest' (whatever that means), so instead he takes the daughter and runs away, because apparently the daughter of his enemy means more to him than his whole clan and would rather kill his whole clan than kill a baby girl. What the fuck kind of assassin are you? Now this frustrating, inconsistent fuck stain of a plot punctuates the feel of the rest of the movie. A poorly integrated mashup of cliche so inconsistent it will leave you with a nosebleed of rage.
From here our hero travels to the wild west to find an old friend who was a swordsman like him. But he finds his friend is dead, but finds new friends and a hot girl. For some reason the town is actually more like a circus filled with freaks. So we have clowns as well as cowboys and ninjas...for some reason.
The film loves pissing off the audience. As a sort of unwritten rule, all romance story lines have to be consummated, only about the only physical romance between the two is a kiss, so it made no sense to put it in at all.
And the whole cowboys VS ninja thing? When the ninja finally do get involved, some 3/4 of the film in, they are fucking useless. Dancing around in the air and getting pathetically shot out of the sky because they were to busy making their faggy capes billow. Worse still, as a ninja jumps off a roof and gets shot out the sky, a second, third, fourth and so on ninja just follow behind him. I thought ninja were supposed to be perfectly trained assassins? These guys were just twats. I thought the balance would be that the ninja would be highly trained, close to superhuman close quarters warriors and the cowboy would be human, but would have heavy long ranged artillery and explosions....but no.
For that matter, there weren't even really any fight scenes in the whole film. Each fight ended within a few minutes, normally with a few guns fired and a few swords swished and some gallons of blood later, it just felt cheap.
Even the key fight sequences like greatest student vs ninja master ended in moments, with some pretentious rain slicing scene randomly slotted in between a desert neck slash and child training sequence. Hollywood isn't meant to break continuity.
Hell, even the flashbacks were inconsistent, two of them aren't even shown, just said in small one sentence lines.
I mean I know I never expected to be challenged by something as retarded as Cowboys VS Ninjas, but it sounded like the perfect mindless action flick. Instead it felt like they made a cowboy film and knew they couldn't sell it because the western is dying on its ass, so they threw ninjas in to sell the film.
It doesn't even integrate cliches properly, I mean...what. You can't do the basics wrong and be a professional film maker I mean...oh I give up.
In short, you'd get more enjoyment out of eating your own sick while masturbating over roadkill as you cry along to 'nothing compares' by Sinead O'Connor. There's no redeemable action, no spectacular cgi, no real ninja or cowboys and any scraps of those aspects that were there were so awfully put together it was like the film came out of the pussy green arsehole of a 12 year old virgin who will never see a pair of boobs in the flesh in his whole life. You know, like campers on Black Ops. This film can go fuck itself, to death. I could write another 8700 thousand words on why this is shit, but then I'd be putting in more effort than the film maker himself.
Think About It!
-Locke
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