GI Joe: The Rise of Cobra.

So after doing something brand new, I decided to follow up with some modern schlock, for the sake of cosmic balance. Oh by the way, I know everyone hated this movie but I liked it. Enjoy!


I'm not a GI Joe fan. I mean when I was a kid, I grew up with the toys, I watched the cartoons but in a superficial way, I never actually got into the show or anything, I just consumed it out of convenience. So this probably was a large factor in why I enjoyed this movie so much, I came in with no expectations, I just wanted a fun action movie. Which is exactly what I got. It's a Hollywood production, I never go in expecting anything good, I just want something fun.

I also perfectly understand that as a fan, seeing something adapted and then promptly butchered to the point where it barely resembles the franchise it is based on (see: every Hollywood adaptation ever) is extremely frustrating and I'm not gonna argue, Hollywood should just stop with all their terrible adaptations. And I know it isn't fair to give a film a good review that was such a terrible adaptation. But I'm just not invested in this franchise and I know that that doesn't excuse terrible adaptations, nothing does. But I'm just sorry, I was able to enjoy this because I wasn't a fan. But fans of the franchise, I won't forget you as I write this review.

It's funny, despite Rise of Cobra making it very clear it doesn't care about the franchise it's based on, it drops you rather in the deep end, GI Joe itself is established from the start of the film and little explanation is given on how it all works with most of the movie spent instead establishing Cobra Commander and his organisation. You could argue what does it matter on a fun little blockbuster and the title of the film is 'Rise of Cobra' and I'd say fair point, it just seemed strange that the film seems to count on some pre-existing knowledge of the franchise despite then going on to rewrite and butcher practically everything else.

The story goes a little like this. There is a place called The Pit, home to 'GI Joe' a unit of the best soldiers from around the world, who officially 'don't exist' and are sent in when the regular military just won't do. They also have a range of sci-fi weapons and gadgets from a apparent endless money pot of funding. Two regular soldiers, codename Duke and Ripcord end up joining GI Joe and the organisation ends up in a war against MARs - MARs motivations are something like they create a problem, so they can solve it themselves making themselves more powerful...or something. It doesn't really matter, the whole thing plays out like a comic book so they may as well say 'TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD!' and laugh evilly for what it is worth. The film ends with a series of dangling plot threads which are apparently not going to be answered in the sequel because the Never say Never director wants a 'gritty and dark' GI Joe for the sequel. That is almost as mental as Gordon-Levitt playing Cobra Commander in this film.

The film itself is set in an unspecified date, but sometime in the near future and it really uses this to its advantage, although for the most part the world Rise of Cobra is set in looks much like ours, the gadgets they have seem straight out of a science fiction novel... and my are the gadgets fun. I mean we've got super suits, super serums, energy weapons, super ninjas, world destroying nanites and more!

RoC (since fuck am I typing the whole thing out over and over) has a surprisingly good cast, I'm really surprised by all the faces that signed up for this. I mean we got Christopher Eccleston playing Destro, Joseph Gordon-Levitt playing Cobra Commander, Sienna Miller playing Baroness, what a weird fucking cast! And trust me this list could go on this has an all star cast.

I understand the film is four years old, but it's ugly. This is easily some of the worst CGI I have ever seen, a majority of the film looks like a videogame cut scene. Even despite this fact, the action sequences are just blockbuster to the max, big loud and just great fun. Most of the time I was having to much fun to notice how bad the CGI was. And trust me, the explosions start around five minutes in and then rarely slowdown from there. So you should have no worries about boredom. I mean they destroy the Eiffel Fucking Tower!

Despite some ugly special effects, the film is well directed and put together - I especially enjoyed the stylish use of flashbacks, they are never over long or out of place but add tons of information quickly to keep you up to date without needing to slowdown the explosions. I mean hell, the Snake Eyes Storm Shadow flashback could have made an awesome movie on its own.

And the fight choreography is excellent too. Although I must admit at times the sense of space becomes muddy due to so many people fighting in such small spaces at once but there is no denying how awesome it is as everyone is leaping, flipping, shooting, punching and kicking all around the place. It looks awesome.

RoC has been likened to a live action cartoon or a live action version of a child playing with his action figures and it really shows in the action sequences but I also think it it really shows in the fact that despite people seemingly getting killed left right and centre there is barely a drop of blood throughout the entire movie. I mean there is blood, but as people are getting sliced, shot and shuriken'd they drop without a drop of blood which makes some of the tension seem slightly lost. It doesn't help that characters can also get blown up and finally bleed...but walk away with a bloody face...just a bloody face. So people can be almost cut in half without spilling a drop of blood and people can be blown up but will only get a few cuts and bruises... thanks for the science lesson RoC!

I wont lie, this film is clichéd up the butt, I have said a thousand times that I don't see cliché's as a negative in itself as they are clichés because they are so popular it's all in how they are used. And in the scene of Rex's funeral, as the rain poured down and Duke turns up on his motorbike with his aviators on, I must admit I laughed my ass off.

So do I recommend this? RoC isn't a good film, not in the conventional sense but as a blockbuster it serves its purpose perfectly, this film won't shatter your world but if you want two hours of solid fun, look no further!

Think About It!

-Locke